I woke up in the middle of the night and started answering all the emails I ignored the day before. Read, but ignored because I didn’t know what to say. But then I couldn’t sleep because I knew they needed to be answered, and I didn’t want to go another day with them on the back of my frazzled mind. I texted my dad back about something and he wrote back, “Go back to bed!” oops! But my half asleep brain told me I had to finish. I was in a frenzy. In my last email I felt so mean…I was a good business woman and had to say no to someone…but then I felt terrible and and couldn’t sleep some more. Beau turned over and asked, “are you alright?” I responded, “I need to be a shark.”
Image by James Boswell
Yesterday I had one of those clairvoyant conversations with a friend, where you feel like every word spoken is a prophesy for your life. Insight and encouragement. And crazily enough, she said the same thing. Be a shark!
I’ve been fretting and worrying lately. The big, scary word PRIORITIZE keeps coming up and it makes my insides turn to goop. How to say YES to the things that rush you down the river of prosperity and peace, and how to say NO to the things that keep you in the stagnant water of disillusionment and anxiety…I still haven’t figured it out. But I got some great advice yesterday. HONESTY. I think much of my internal wrestling comes when I’m afraid to speak the truth. If someone asks me to do something I don’t want to, but I feel bad about letting them down I seize up and don’t know what to say… the emails pile up, my heart starts hurting, and I end up finding ways to check out of my life. If I’m bothered by things but don’t know how to say what’s on my mind I get more and more irritable until I lash out. I need to be more of a cool headed shark in relationships and professionally. If I can’t figure out how to be a good shark then I’ll just be a shark in frenzy, or worse, lurking in the dark in eternal restless, sleepless frustration.
And the end goal is to not have to be a shark at all. The end goal is to learn to be a shark when I need to be, and the rest of the time be some beautiful creature of the air, barely touching down to earthly matters for a few moments until I can rise up and start living creatively and freely again. Like an owl or a moth. My friend gave me the vision of a spider weaving magic, spirituality, and wonder. I want to be someone who knows how to be entirely honest, then moves on to the important task at hand. I have always felt a deep purpose, almost like a burden, to unveil and cast beauty in this world. I don’t have time for demons, addictions, bad juju, or not knowing how to say no. Sometimes I need to be a shark.