I was decidedly depressed, but I feel much better now.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my inner child over the last few days. I took Finn to Disney Land for his birthday and I felt like I was a little girl again. I got teary eyed when I saw Snow White in the parade, wanted to get in the hotel pool at 10 pm, ate candied apples for breakfast…It was so dreamy to escape into that world. Coming home put me into withdrawals. Not only did I forget to bring my anxiety medication (which are anti depressants) over the weekend so by the time I came home I was in the dumps, but I was also missing that bright California sun. I went to work washing dishes and cleaning the toilet and making lunches. I felt so low, but couldn’t put my finger on what it was.
You know what I think it was? It was that I had beauty at my fingertips when I was in California. Sun and flowers and music and magic were at every turn. I was so stimulated that I didn’t need to work for happiness. I think that’s what it was like when I was a child. My parents created the fun and excitement for me, and when I didn’t have any responsibilities I was able to make believe and see beauty in the woods and create my own magic readily and easily.
It’s harder now. But not impossible. I finally sat down and wrote in my journal. I spelled out ways I could connect with Beau in more imaginative ways. I went on a camellia hunt with Oliver and we spotted camellia trees of different kinds in the neighborhood. They were like princess dress ruffles, better and more beautiful than any parade. We had cake for breakfast this morning, and I wore a sparkly headband like a crown.
I have to be the parent to my inner child and tell her…”Look, I’ve got the dishes and the emails with clients…you go ahead and find the flowers.” I have to take time out for her so she can have some fun. The boys and I all snuggled together on the couch after school today and watched Sleeping Beauty. I was so tempted to work on Flora Forager or text or email, but instead I forced myself to watch rocks turn into bubbles, and fairies fight over colors, and Briar Rose dance with woodland animals. I need these things. I have to have them. For me, and for Beau, and for my children I am going to try to keep my inner child alive.