I’ve been overwhelmed by everything lately. I’m realizing that it’s because I focus on things I’m not doing well even when I’m being successful at other things. For some reason my subconscious has me on a continual time crunch. My chest starts hurting and I feel like I can’t breathe and I realize I’m functioning as though there’s a countdown and the house is going to explode if I don’t get whatever task needs to be done on time. I think this mind set stems from always being on a feeding/nap schedule and needing to get things done when I never had enough time. And now that I do have enough time I can’t get out of that thought process. Then I was reading about anxiety and the material I was reading said “those with social anxiety think others are always watching and judging them.” That sentence made me cringe because I do think that! And if not others, myself. I think one of the major roles in that (along with living in a fish bowl in the city) is social media. Because I just can’t help posting pictures and then I get anxious about whether or not I’m being annoying and delete half of them. When nobody cares, right? Or at least I think they don’t…well I really don’t know. See!? And I hate being insecure, and then I worry about whether or not others think I’m insecure. This morning I was worried about how I swore in front of someone I didn’t know very well and hoping they didn’t dislike me because of it. And then I was feeling sick to my stomach because we had people over when the house was still pretty messy and I was hoping they didn’t think I was a slob. And then I was looking at my paintings and hoping I wasn’t like the tone deaf girl in choir who thought she sounded so good at her solo but everyone was just nice to her and told her she did great when really she was awful. So I felt the very strong desire to block myself from doing anything productive at all and just look at moth pictures on the internet because they make me happy. And I saw a quote (That had no source) “butterflies can’t see their wings so they don’t know how beautiful they are. But everyone else can. People are the same.” It made me smile because it went with a picture of a moth, and I feel like moths are the unsung beauties of the flight world. And though I may be one of few who adore them I love them even more fiercely than butterflies because of it. And it reminded me that I don’t have to be a social butterfly, or adored by all, but can hold my own light in the dim circle of a few. That’s ok.
So I came here to say it. And to post a painting I was thinking only I really like. But it’s one of my favorites so why should I care about that? (I do, but I’m trying not to.)
“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or afraid the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz