The dim circle of a few.

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I’ve been overwhelmed by everything lately. I’m realizing that it’s because I focus on things I’m not doing well even when I’m being successful at other things. For some reason my subconscious has me on a continual time crunch. My chest starts hurting and I feel like I can’t breathe and I realize I’m functioning as though there’s a countdown and the house is going to explode if I don’t get whatever task needs to be done on time. I think this mind set stems from always being on a feeding/nap schedule and needing to get things done when I never had enough time. And now that I do have enough time I can’t get out of that thought process. Then I was reading about anxiety and the material I was reading said “those with social anxiety think others are always watching and judging them.” That sentence made me cringe because I do think that! And if not others, myself. I think one of the major roles in that (along with living in a fish bowl in the city) is social media. Because I just can’t help posting pictures and then I get anxious about whether or not I’m being annoying and delete half of them. When nobody cares, right? Or at least I think they don’t…well I really don’t know. See!? And I hate being insecure, and then I worry about whether or not others think I’m insecure. This morning I was worried about how I swore in front of someone I didn’t know very well and hoping they didn’t dislike me because of it. And then I was feeling sick to my stomach because we had people over when the house was still pretty messy and I was hoping they didn’t think I was a slob. And then I was looking at my paintings and hoping I wasn’t like the tone deaf girl in choir who thought she sounded so good at her solo but everyone was just nice to her and told her she did great when really she was awful. So I felt the very strong desire to block myself from doing anything productive at all and just look at moth pictures on the internet because they make me happy. And I saw a quote (That had no source) “butterflies can’t see their wings so they don’t know how beautiful they are. But everyone else can. People are the same.” It made me smile because it went with a picture of a moth, and I feel like moths are the unsung beauties of the flight world. And though I may be one of few who adore them I love them even more fiercely than butterflies because of it. And it reminded me that I don’t have to be a social butterfly, or adored by all, but can hold my own light in the dim circle of a few. That’s ok.

So I came here to say it. And to post a painting I was thinking only I really like. But it’s one of my favorites so why should I care about that? (I do, but I’m trying not to.)

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or afraid the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz

3 thoughts on “The dim circle of a few.

  1. I empathize with every single word. From my perspective, you radiate the type of energy I admire and would befriend. But I know that feeling all too well and social media is definitely a large branch off some deeper rooted fear. I also majored in theater (and felt more comfortable in my character’s skins on stage than my own, off) and am always involved in multiple artistic pursuits simultaneously that when I have a moment in between I don’t know what to do with myself. If I’m not reading, I’m writing, or studying, creating a tarot deck, going above and beyond to master any new interest I find… that I don’t even know how to rest. (I freeze up, get overwhelmed, will feel restless but disappointed in anything I try to achieve.) I’ve been in and out of it a lot again, I’ve had a few recent disappointments but there’s something about these mind states that make me more sensitive, more fragile than usual. And I don’t know about you, but when I feel overwhelmed, I feel worn and exhausted (though still restless). I’ve found a few go-to things that help. Art journaling with an intention as the theme opened my eyes to SO much. While going through a journal I’d completed, I felt shame for the overload of rants, and pondered that whole, “why do I write more when I’m upset.” I envisioned who/what I wanted to be remembered for if my journals fell into the hands of my future children’s children. Bunny has been a nickname since I was little and while thrifting, I found a vintage children’s book called, “When Bunny Grows Up” (one of the gold bound books, skinny with a hardcover, remember those?) My journals get packed with ephemera and gesso so I re-do the bind. I wrote my intention on the first page. Intentions are strong… even as they fall into the background and the journaling takes over. But by the end, Bunny was a Rabbit (wink.) Really though, I made a pact with myself to be aware of myself in a different sort of way. I started finding lessons in ALL the negative. I found myself writing (genuinely) bits of wisdom, synchronicity became more apparent, my intuition grew, I feel like that book was a journey to real self discovery. Some other things: Now I’m trying to get back into creative fiction,again. I created a method for using tarot and oracle cards to help with plotting and character profiles. Sometimes we also just need a break. I hate the idea of watching tv and battle myself til I get into it, but there are a few shows that totally have me (and I’m the girl that refused to have a tv.) If you haven’t watched it, you need to get into “Lost Girl.” I think it’s a Netflix series, I had never heard of it til it was shown to me by someone who gets my fey obsession. A few other quick fixes (I’m sorry for the length of this, I just know the feeling all too well): meditating to binaural beats found on youtube (must use headphones to hear the healing frequencies/go through all the different types and find your niche.) Redecorating and repurposing furniture helps when I’m restless but not feeling that original. I created an alter in my room with my crystals, feathers, shells, a faerie circle, runes, homages to favorite deities, etc. I really recommend the book “Sacred Space” by Denise Linn and the best “book” (spiritual art/text) ever, “Be Here Now” by Ram Dass whose name isn’t even on the cover or first five pages. You can open to any page, read it, and see things in scope again. (Also I made leaps and bounds trading in the anxiety meds I used to take for something more ‘medicinal’ which I don’t use otherwise, just when that feeling comes over me, and as long as it’s the right strand, I forget I was ever anxious to begin with and will get deep into a project, newly calmed but also refreshingly energized.)

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