I saw this quote today and it resonated deeply with me.
I’ve been struggling with the idea of desire. I have all these dreams about how I want life to be. I hear them whispering to me. To patiently wait until they manifest themselves. A secret garden, a white gabled cottage with a conservatory, a sweet bakery nearby…a peter pan window for the boys, a basement office for Beau, a writing and painting nook for me. Even a round door.
Before Pinterest, I kept a folder:I recently started a cottage pin board. Enjoy it here.
But then I think…who am I to want such things? Sometimes we just can’t have everything we want. And it’s wrong to ask and hope…we should just be content.
Is that right?
On Easter I was reading an article about fear for the future. It talked about the Israelites leaving Egypt and how they wanted to go back when they reached the red sea. How their choice was to walk through a terrifying ocean or go back to the life of slavery they knew so well. Familiarity vs. fear of the unknown.
When we sold our house I had all these hopes and dreams and now I’m feeling like we made a mistake. Our old house wasn’t right for us, and I’ve always had dreams of something else, but now I’m so frightened by the future not working out that I’m being tempted back to what I had before.
It’s a large example of an overlying theme in my life. As soon as something exciting and huge starts to bubble up I back down, afraid of success: writers block when I come up with a grand new idea for my book because I’m daunted by a rewrite. Self sabotage when someone wants to feature my art. An opportunity for travel, but I decide I just want to stay home and get some work done…but then I don’t do anything at all.
I think my fear sets in when I think about those who are less fortunate. I decide success and beautiful things are not deserved by anybody when there are those who haven’t received them. I think about how much I DO have, and start to think that I shouldn’t want anything more.
There have been so many who have told me they can see the future for me. They believe in the beauty of my dreams for me. I remember telling Joey something similar when she was losing hope during their house hunt. And now she lives in the adorable farmhouse I pictured in my head.
I’m even hesitant to blog about something like this, because I don’t want to sound greedy, but as you can see there hasn’t been much else to say on here. We are in transition and the only thing I can think about is a house. I even bought a vintage Spanish crystal chandelier for it yesterday. And have been studying how to grow bracken in my someday backyard. And today I’m going to research conservatories and sun rooms.
Meanwhile I’m living in my parent’s beautiful home, with a rose garden and a walk through the forest down to the sea. My mom just told me that she’s so happy to have us here for as long as we want. So I am going to try to be more patient in waiting for the right thing. I’m not going to settle for the same comfort I already knew. It may take remodeling and treasure hunting and fleshing out the bones of a run down cottage. But…
I can hear my future flowers whispering, “we belong to you!” and the beauty of that dream is mine.