Out of the silence.

You know how when a light bulb goes out at first it gets brighter and makes a really high pitched sound? Like it’s giving every last little bit of energy before it goes *POP* and fizzles out? That is how I feel every day. I wake up, open the shades, will myself to get myself together and, like that bright high pitched bulb, move through my morning crazed and high strung. But like Vincent in Gattaca I don’t save anything for the swim back. Some days the *pop* that comes is really bad. I’m a lump on the couch staring into space. Other days it manifests itself in tears and an edge in my voice.

One of the things I want to work on is being a graceful* person. By that I don’t mean dainty and fluid. I mean letting things go. Especially the little things. So many arguments could be saved if I could just give Beau and Finn grace about things that irritate me. The proverb I painted, “Graceful words are like a honeycomb. Sweetness to the soul and healthy for the body,” is so so true. The more I let go, the more I realize how much Beau lets go. And Finn too. None of us are perfect, and the more we give each other grace, the more zen this house becomes. Expecting everyone to be perfect is so stressful…giving a little grace takes all that away.

I am loving the poem my friend Gabriel put up on his blog yesterday. How to be a Poet by Wendell Berry. Like Gabriel says, it really speaks for itself.

But here’s a thought or two (he hee)…

I want to pace myself. To allow myself time to sit and stare so that my body doesn’t do it for me after the *pop*. Stay away from screens. That’s a hard one. But when I take time to paint instead of browse Anthropologie online I feel fulfilled. Then out of silence comes my own creation…not a desire for expensive things I can’t have. If there’s time in the day to watch a show, then there’s time in the day to be still and listen. I want to be an example to my children in this. How can I expect them to learn to create sacred spaces if I desecrate my own? And if patience joins time to eternity, then my working on grace must surely be a connection to heaven. Beau said the other day that he thinks the way we work toward good relationships here on earth is heaven.

I could go on, but I think I’ll try and not disturb the silence from where these thoughts came any more!

*Beau just said, “gracious.” Yes..that is the word I was looking for!

4 thoughts on “Out of the silence.

  1. It’s hard, so hard. Though it might not help much . . . try to remember that you are in a time of huge tumult and transition.

    I think you’re right . . . carve out a little space for you. Rest. Snuggle. And enjoy that precious little babe. The other two too, but there’s just something about newborns. It is so fleeting. It is such a bummer that the timeframe for new babies is fraught with such massive adjustments. It leaves a kind of shadow behind the joy . . . at least it did for me, especially on #3. (I have three boys too:)

    I’m loving all the book-inspired names too. Presh. :)

  2. Thank you for your honesty. It’s easy to feel alone in motherhood when it isn’t all rainbows and roses. It helps to know I’m not alone! Love you friend!

  3. this is such a beautiful, open, raw, and admitting post, Bridget, and good GRACIOUS it is well-needed for my eyes to ponder over.

    my brain has been in a state, and your thoughts on grace, finding a sacred space, and taking time away from the screens resonate so well.

    thank you.

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