In which I am nuzzled by feathers, the rain is appropriate, and Finn really truly undoubtedly and undeniably is a divine present from the almighty.God has me firmly sheltered under his wing today. When He says he won’t give us anything more than we can bear, I believe it. He knows exactly what I need right when I need it.
I am 11 weeks. Just a few days shy of three months. How beautiful the second trimester is! A glowing summer, butterfly flutters and nursery painting. Dreaming and scheming and loving new life.
But I started spotting yesterday. God is good. He prepared me two hours before my ultrasound for what I was about to see. If I had not already known, it would have been more than I could bear. I was meeting with a friend right then. If I had not had someone to talk to, it might have been too much.
I walked alone from my car to the office, trying desperately to hold it together. Still clinging to hope, but knowing deep the truth. He was there with me then. If he was not, I could not have gone in.
I lay motionless, holding my breath. The device rolled over my belly with a thick jelly. A fuzzy black and white image appeared on the screen. I could see it. The technician tried to keep her cool and not divulge the truth, but it was plain to see. At 11 weeks Finn was jumping and sliding and dancing. He had a fluttery little heart. They measured each and every little piece of him. They gave me pictures and pictures, there was joy in the room.
This little one had an adorable little profile. Delicate perfect fingers. Curled up in the fetal position, as if asleep. But no heart beat. No movement.
The technician asked me if I was ok. My chest heaved and the tears flowed.
When I got into my car Lights Go Out from Aaron’s new cd came on. Its lyrics go something like this (paraphrasing):
When the lights go out… Will you be there?
Be still my heart. Quiet my mind…
God played it for me. The whole album is delicious. Really. Aaron gave it to me on Easter. It came at just the right time. He was there with me then.
You know how I’ve been obsessed with Anne lately? The last book I read was full of sorrow and God’s faithfulness. Anne’s first baby dies. He was there with me then.
I have been reading all about Stephanie Nielson, lately. She was in a horrible plane crash and suffered severe burns, a literal refiners fire. I have found so much encouragement in her story, and inspiration in being truly thankful for my family and my health. It’s amazing how praying for another brings perspective. He was there with me then.
I am disappointed, frustrated, full of sorrow, confused. Why? It seems so unfair. It was perfect timing! It felt like such a divine appointment. Juliana’s adopted baby and another dear friend’s baby is due almost on the same day. I was worried about the age difference between my kids…now it’ll be even further. Finn. I feel so sorry for Finn. All alone in the world, poor chap. Not a cousin, friend, or sibling close to his age that lives nearby. I’ve gained ten pounds. I have to go through the pain of passing. The hormones! Oh why did I eat all that pineapple pizza?!
But I feel his feathers. There is a tiny bit of warmth, where nothing but cold sadness would be. There is so much to be thankful for. This proves to me, once and for all, that Finn is a blessed miracle. His middle name Theodore (God’s GIFT) rings true. Four have passed, but Finn made it. He is the joy and the sweetness and the light that fills these walls. I am so thankful for him and I love him so much. I have my health. I have my Beau. I have my parents. My dad is well again and truly is Finn’s absolute best friend. When we go over to his house the two of them disappear to the beach or up to play bass or into the car or out in the yard for hours. They have each other. And he has Beau and me. A sibling can hold out a little longer.
Please pray for me. Pray for a speedy recovery. Pray for another baby. Pray that I stay tucked under that wing.